Story Created:
Feb 12, 2009 at 7:02 PM PST
Story Updated:
Feb 12, 2009 at 7:02 PM PST
Dear Karen: I just found out my childhood friend, who I haven’t seen since the summer after our freshman year about four years ago, has been in jail in another state for the last three years. We lost touch when we went to colleges in different states, and I am just moving back home after living away for the past five years. I ran into some old high school friends at a party who shared the news that he is serving time for robbery.
I was devastated, and I want to write to him. The problem is, I don’t know what to say. Do I write like nothing happened and tell him all the good things going on in my life? I don’t want him to feel badly because I am well and happy. I really want to know what happened, but I don’t know if that’s something I should bring up after all this time. I want him to feel better, not worse.
Friend of His
Dear Friend: I think it’s really kind of you to want to reach out to him, when I’m sure others have abandoned him. Once you’re gotten his address, I think you should just write a quick brief note and let him know you just found out about his misfortune and how sorry you are. If you had any interests in common, like music or writing, books, sports, mention those activities and ask him if he is still involved.
Knowing what he’s into, and if he shares how he spends his days, may give you some insight into future communications with him. Be prepared for him to be a different person than the one you remember. Even if he is incarcerated unjustly, three years behind bars can change a person, for good or bad.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep. For example, don’t promise to write every week, or even every month. Don’t promise to send him things you can’t send. I think just reaching out to him will make him happy, and you should do what feels comfortable for you.
Even if you weren’t terribly close before, you may be one of few friends who have written to him, and he may be desperate for a regular pen pal. Only commit to that if you can really follow through. If he doesn’t answer, or acts like he doesn’t want to have a relationship at this time, accept that for what it is. You can’t possibly know what he’s going through, and he may not want to communicate with people until he’s out. Give it a shot, show your concern, but don’t brag about all the fun you’re having.
Dear Karen: It’s not even Halloween and my children are already telling me what they want for Christmas. My wife and I both work for a grocery chain and our hours have been cut back considerably due to the economic crisis. I know we won’t be able to get them all the electronic gadgets they hope for, and I don’t know how to tell them. Do I just wait until Christmas and break the news or let them know now it will be slim pickings this year?
Santa
Dear Santa: Given the uncertain financial forecast, even those households with two steady paychecks are cutting back considerably. I don’t know how old your children are, but if they want electronics, they are old enough to understand the economic crunch hitting most families. Let them know it will be a different kind of Christmas, and maybe you can decide as a family how you will celebrate.
Alternatives may include drawing names and people only being responsible for one gift. Maybe all gifts this year will be handmade. Or maybe you’ll decide to all get in the kitchen and make a holiday meal and batches of cookies to give as gifts. Remember, the holidays are meant to be shared with family, not to make the gadget gurus rich!
In case you’re wondering…
Do reach out to friends who may be down on their luck.
Don’t you dare let merchants guide your children’s behavior.
Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.
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