Story Created:
May 29, 2009 at 2:07 PM PST
Story Updated:
May 29, 2009 at 2:07 PM PST
Dear Karen: I recently was asked to help my cousin prepare the obituary and program for her husband’s funeral. I assumed she had all the pertinent information which would allow me to write the obituary. My cousin is a second wife, and she had little information on his early life or his professional life before he met her. The exes are friendly, so I thought I’d get them together to ask for relevant information. Big mistake! They couldn’t even agree on when he served in the armed forces, and what rank he held. I’ve done the best I can, but what can our family do going forward to avoid this kind of drama?
Family Historian
Dear Historian: This happens all too often, and I recommend that each family member complete a questionnaire long before it’s needed. Make it a family project, not a pre-funeral assignment. Use the exercise as a way of getting to know more about each other, and along the way, learning more about what they’d like to be remembered for. You can even include things like favorite songs that can later be used for funeral or memorial services. Let me share with you the questionnaire I’ve given people to complete:
Full name
Nickname
Date of Birth
Place of Birth
Parent’s full name
Siblings (specify order of birth)
Early education
Where did you grow up?
Did you play a sport or do you have hobbies?
Higher education
Military Service, including rank, where stationed and dates of service
Marriage(s)—specify children by marriage
Current Occupation
Previous occupations or careers
What made you choose your career path, did anyone or an event inspire you
Major places where you spent a great deal of time
When you moved to your current city/state of residency
Favorite quote or words you live by
How you’d spend your “perfect” day
Are there obstacles you had to overcome to become the person you are today
What was your favorite meal growing up that your Mom cooked?
What’s your favorite color
What’s your favorite song
What’s your favorite movie or TV show
What advice would you give a young person today
What do you want your legacy to be
Make up a form, give it to those you care about, and ask for it back. Keep them in a safe place, so you can provide information as needed to other family members if and when necessary. If you have family reunions, make up a game using the answers and ask people to guess who you’re talking about. Anything we can do to preserve family history is important to all of us. You might even consider assembling a booklet with everyone’s answers as a family holiday gift.
In case you’re wondering…
Do talk to family members and try to learn more about them.
Don’t you dare share any information given to you in confidence.
Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.
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