Story Created:
Sep 11, 2009 at 11:13 AM PST
Story Updated:
Sep 11, 2009 at 11:13 AM PST
Dear Karen: My friend spent the summer away working on a project, and when she returned she invited a group of us over for dinner. The meal was simple, but really good, and when we finished we were surprised that she asked us all to chip in $5 for the meal. Our group has never had a practice of “chipping in” and we were shocked.
We asked what was up and she said she didn’t work much over the summer so she needed it to pay for the food. I was angry and thought she should have told us this ahead of time. Now I’m trying to improve my attitude, but is this right? Our whole group is taking sides on this one and it’s very uncomfortable.
Hungry
Dear Hungry: I’m not a big fan of people charging you to eat at their home, even if they tell you ahead of time. Under no circumstances should anyone extend an invitation to you and then after you’ve eaten ask for payment. Given the economic environment, we should all be mindful of the cost of things. We are all cutting back, and we don’t want to stop spending time with our friends, so we do have to make adjustments and think outside the box.
There are two ways to handle this. One, only serve items that you can afford. Think a pot of beans or spaghetti instead of Julia Childs’ beef bourguignon.
The other option, is to decide as a group to split the cost of dinner at each other’s homes. If so, the amount should be decided upon ahead of time and people given the opportunity to decide if they’d like to participate. Not being employed and lacking extra cash is no reason to showcase bad manners and take your friends for granted.
Dear Karen: My husband and I have been talking about our future and our funeral plans in particular. We aren’t members of a particular church, although we would like a minister to preside at our funerals. One thing is sure, we don’t want to go to another funeral where the presiding pastor gets up and says, “I didn’t know the deceased, but I hear he was a nice man.”
Do you have a suggestion of how we can assure that not being a part of our legacy?
Thinking Ahead
Dear Thinking: I commend you for taking the time to think about such things rather than leave it to your family members who may be caught off guard with an unexpected death. Let me suggest a couple of things.
Take time now to make some notes about your biographical information, what kind of service you’d like, and your favorite songs and scripture. In addition, list any other special notes you’d appreciate being taken into consideration.
That said, perhaps it’s time to build a relationship with a pastor. Start visiting churches and ask friends for recommendations. It may be someone who lives in your neighborhood, rather than a church you attend. Also, most mortuaries provide ministers for services when none is specified.
If you make arrangements ahead of time, ask them to make sure the minister does not refer to you as someone he or she didn’t know. Your greatest defense is to let other family members know your wishes, and put them in writing. I would hope that all ministers would keep silent about not knowing a decedent. They can keep their remarks general, speak to what family members have shared, and be respectful.
In case you’re wondering…
Do write out instructions for your funeral or memorial service and share with your family.
Don’t you dare invite people to dinner then ask them to pay for it.
Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.
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