<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?>
<rss version="2.0">
	<channel>
	<title><![CDATA[Talk to Me ]]></title>
	<copyright>Copyright 2012 Copyright © 2011  Los Angeles Wave.  All rights reserved. </copyright>
	<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me</link>
	 			<description><![CDATA[]]></description>
		<language>en-us</language>
	<pubDate>Thu, 9 Feb 2012 00:53:57 PST</pubDate>
	<lastBuildDate>Thu, 9 Feb 2012 00:53:57 PST</lastBuildDate>
			<generator>Broadcast Interactive Media</generator>




		
			
				
			
			
				
		                      	
			
				
				
			
				
					
				
							
		
	
			
	
	
									
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/59053292.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">59053292</guid>		
			<pubDate>Fri, 11 Sep 2009 11:13:21 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Dear Karen: My friend spent the summer away working on a project, and when she returned she invited a group of us over for dinner. The meal was simple, but really good, and when we finished we were surprised that she asked us all to chip in $5 for the meal. Our group has never had a practice of &ldquo;chipping in&rdquo; and we were shocked. 

We asked what was up and she said she didn&rsquo;t work much over the summer so she needed it to pay for the food. I was angry and thought she should have told us this ahead of time. Now I&rsquo;m trying to improve my attitude, but is this right? Our whole group is taking sides on this one and it&rsquo;s very uncomfortable.

Hungry

Dear Hungry: I&rsquo;m not a big fan of people charging you to eat at their home, even if they tell you ahead of time. Under no circumstances should anyone extend an invitation to you and then after you&rsquo;ve eaten ask for payment. Given the economic environment, we should all be mindful of the cost of things. We are all cutting back, and we don&rsquo;t want to stop spending time with our friends, so we do have to make adjustments and think outside the box. 

There are two ways to handle this. One, only serve items that you can afford. Think a pot of beans or spaghetti instead of Julia Childs&rsquo; beef bourguignon. 

The other option, is to decide as a group to split the cost of dinner at each other&rsquo;s homes. If so, the amount should be decided upon ahead of time and people given the opportunity to decide if they&rsquo;d like to participate. Not being employed and lacking extra cash is no reason to showcase bad manners and take your friends for granted.

Dear Karen: My husband and I have been talking about our future and our funeral plans in particular. We aren&rsquo;t members of a particular church, although we would like a minister to preside at our funerals. One thing is sure, we don&rsquo;t want to go to another funeral where the presiding pastor gets up and says, &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t know the deceased, but I hear he was a nice man.&rdquo; 

Do you have a suggestion of how we can assure that not being a part of our legacy?

Thinking Ahead

Dear Thinking: I commend you for taking the time to think about such things rather than leave it to your family members who may be caught off guard with an unexpected death. Let me suggest a couple of things. 

Take time now to make some notes about your biographical information, what kind of service you&rsquo;d like, and your favorite songs and scripture. In addition, list any other special notes you&rsquo;d appreciate being taken into consideration. 

That said, perhaps it&rsquo;s time to build a relationship with a pastor. Start visiting churches and ask friends for recommendations. It may be someone who lives in your neighborhood, rather than a church you attend. Also, most mortuaries provide ministers for services when none is specified. 

If you make arrangements ahead of time, ask them to make sure the minister does not refer to you as someone he or she didn&rsquo;t know. Your greatest defense is to let other family members know your wishes, and put them in writing. I would hope that all ministers would keep silent about not knowing a decedent. They can keep their remarks general, speak to what family members have shared, and be respectful.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do write out instructions for your funeral or memorial service and share with your family.

Don&rsquo;t you dare invite people to dinner then ask them to pay for it.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.

]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk to Me: Rude people ruin concert experience]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/55849652.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">55849652</guid>		
			<pubDate>Fri, 28 Aug 2009 12:06:47 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Dear Karen: My husband and I recently attended a concert at the Nokia Theater and our night was nearly ruined by the rude people sitting next to us. They arrived late, insisted on switching seats between the two of them at least four times, and they talked on their cell phones.

To top it off, the wife got up six &mdash; count them, six &mdash; times, to do who knows what. I don&rsquo;t know if she was going to the concession stand, the restroom, or to visit with someone else. Whatever the case, the entire row was subjected to getting up and down all night long during the performance. Is it too much to ask for people to show some respect when they attend concerts?

Stepped On

Dear Stepped On: It&rsquo;s never too much to ask for others to show respect, in all environments. I&rsquo;d say give her the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe she had a medical condition that required her constant bouncing up and down, but I doubt it. We&rsquo;re all a bit careful not to overly antagonize others who may not respond well, but if you make a simple request, perhaps it will be heeded.

I think you certainly have a right to ask people to curb their cell phone use during a performance. And, after your seatmate gets up a couple of times, perhaps you could ask that they wait for intermission to get up again. If they have a legitimate reason for the excessive trips, then that would be the time for them to share that information with you. If not, maybe you need to not stand up to let them pass so easily and they will get the message.

There&rsquo;s a fine line between overreacting to a bad situation and allowing someone else&rsquo;s bad behavior to ruin your evening. Assess the situation and stand your ground with the same respect you&rsquo;d hope others would show you.

Dear Karen: A few months ago we put a pool in for our family to enjoy. We hosted a pool party to break it in and invited a number of our neighbors in addition to our extended family. All summer we&rsquo;ve had people call and ask if they could come over to swim. I don&rsquo;t mind, but sometimes I just want an afternoon with my immediate family.

I&rsquo;d been holding my tongue until last week when I realized one of my neighbors was calling to drop off her children, allegedly to play with my kids, but really she just wanted a babysitter. My mom was visiting and I felt comfortable leaving my children in her care and run some errands, but I didn&rsquo;t feel like I could stick her with another two children to watch so I stayed home. The neighbor was due to pick up her kids at 3 p.m., but didn&rsquo;t show up until 6. The kids asked if they could come back the next day and the mother said, &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sure they won&rsquo;t mind!&rdquo; How do I tell her it&rsquo;s not acceptable without looking like the bad guy to the children?

Wet and Worn Out

Dear Wet: New pools, or any new play thing, always generate a great deal of interest from family and friends. In order to save your sanity, and prevent further damaging any of your relationships, I&rsquo;d set some ground rules now. Be specific about your list of rules. Set aside days of the week when guests are welcome and others that are family only.

It may be a day or two a month, not every week. You can always add days and invite guests, but these are the basics. And be clear on other guidelines. For example, children cannot use the pool without one of their parents on hand to supervise. People are expected to bring their own towels, and perhaps you&rsquo;ll set hours for use. Give it some thought, and make the list.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do arrive on time to live performances and show respect to your seatmates.

Don&rsquo;t you dare drop off your children and expect someone else to protect their safety.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/47944932.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">47944932</guid>		
			<pubDate>Fri, 12 Jun 2009 12:19:13 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Dear Karen: I visited my son&rsquo;s elementary school the other day and was totally disgusted when I met his teacher. This woman, whom he adores, had on a low-cut top revealing a tattoo on her breast. She also had tattoos running up her leg. I can&rsquo;t tell you the arguments we have over his desire, at age 10, to get a tattoo. What is our education system coming to that teachers are displaying tattoos and setting such an example for our children? Am I that far out of touch with what&rsquo;s acceptable behavior?
Tattoo-Free Mom

Dear Tattoo Free: I&rsquo;m not sure I could have spoken if I&rsquo;d visited a classroom and been approached by a teacher with visible tattoos. No doubt, my mouth would still be hanging open. If things have changed so much that tattoos are acceptable for teachers in elementary school, then we can stand in line together under the heading, &ldquo;out of touch.&rdquo; 

I think children are too impressionable and teachers should set an example of appropriate workplace attire and behavior. I have no idea whether schools have dress codes for teachers, but if they don&rsquo;t, perhaps we should re-visit that old-fashioned concept. Children never fail to imitate those who they look up to, and teachers certainly fit that bill. If teachers choose not to cover their tattoos, by all means bring the matter up with the administrators at the school. You have a right, as a parent, to voice your opinion. 

It&rsquo;s hard enough to get children to obey your rules. It&rsquo;s even harder when the authority figures in their lives are on their side. Tattoos have a place in our society, but not in the elementary classroom. Don&rsquo;t badmouth her to your child, but do let the principal know how you feel.

Dear Karen: Every year I get graduation announcements from children I haven&rsquo;t seen since they were toddlers, and I send a gift because I&rsquo;m close to their parents. This year I didn&rsquo;t receive any announcements and was ready to run off and treat myself to a present, when I began getting e-mails &ldquo;announcing&rdquo; graduations. I feel like these people don&rsquo;t care about me, only about getting a check from me. Do I have to respond to e-mailed announcements? For that matter, do I have to automatically send a gift whenever I receive a graduation announcement?
Sucker Who Gives

Dear Giver: These young people should be happy to have you in their lives. The presumption that you must give a gift just because you were sent an announcement is ridiculous. You may choose to give a gift if you&rsquo;d like, or simply send a card congratulating each of them on their achievement. I think we&rsquo;re all kidding ourselves to think that faster, easier, less effort e-mails will not be the wave of the future.
I, for one, still favor handwritten notes over e-mails. In any case, don&rsquo;t let the casual tone of an e-mail announcement reflect ill on the sender. Maybe what you give the graduate is personalized note cards. Think they&rsquo;ll get the hint?

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do celebrate the academic achievements of young people.

Don&rsquo;t you dare let a child decide what&rsquo;s appropriate attire or behavior.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/47068837.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">47068837</guid>		
			<pubDate>Fri, 5 Jun 2009 13:54:24 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Dear Karen: My grandson, who lives with me, spends what seems like every waking hour on his cell phone. It doesn&rsquo;t matter if we&rsquo;re having dinner, or he&rsquo;s supposed to be doing homework, he text-messages to his friends at all times. The other day we went to my friend&rsquo;s house for dinner and all of a sudden he pulled out his phone and began texting someone right there at the table. 

When I looked at him in disbelief, he simply got up from the table and went into another room. I couldn&rsquo;t wait to get outside to tell him how rude he&rsquo;d been and that he would not be texting anyone at the table ever again. He ranted and told me I was just old and out of touch, that all kids do it and there&rsquo;s nothing wrong with it. Tell me &mdash; am I out of touch?

Grandmother Who&rsquo;s Trying

Dear Grandmother: Texting at the table, or when others are talking, has joined gum-chewing on my all-time pet peeve list. No, you are not out of touch, because there is no age limit or generational gap when it comes to old-fashioned manners. I don&rsquo;t know how old your grandson is, but there is never a time when he should be talking back to you in that manner. Dinner, or whenever you&rsquo;re with other people and it&rsquo;s a time for conversation, is not a time for cell phones at all. Telephone calls can wait, text messages can wait, and young people need to respect the people around them and the occasion.

Dinner time spent together is a time to talk about your day, and share with each other. When someone texts or answers a cell phone call, it&rsquo;s as if someone else is at the table, but only visible and heard by the offending cell phone user. And I wish I&rsquo;d even thought about being a guest in someone&rsquo;s home and getting up from their table to venture into another room without permission. No, you&rsquo;re on the right track. Set some ground rules for meal times, or whenever you&rsquo;d like time to speak with your grandson. No cell phones and no texting. If your grandson cannot respect your rules, and your wishes, maybe he doesn&rsquo;t need to have cell phone privileges at all.

Dear Karen: My daughter is graduating from middle school and has asked for a designer handbag that we cannot afford. I am certainly proud of her, she gets really good grades and has been accepted at a wonderful high school, but we simply don&rsquo;t have the money. In fact, we had to borrow money for her to attend a special summer program for gifted students.

She thinks because she is a good student we should reward her with whatever she wants. How do I break the news to her without dampening her efforts? She thinks the two are connected because she has friends whose parents pay them for good grades. We&rsquo;re not about to pay for grades, but would like to reward her for her accomplishments. The other problem is, she&rsquo;s the oldest and we don&rsquo;t want to set a precedent for the other children. Do you think we should borrow money for the handbag?

Mom in Doubt

Dear Mom: Whoa, let&rsquo;s first start with being middle school age and thinking you can have a designer handbag! I think there are a couple of issues here. Now is the time to reinforce the concept that none of us have any entitlement based on what goes on in someone else&rsquo;s home. Just because another family bribes their children with gifts for grades, is no reason for your children to expect the same.

Also, if you don&rsquo;t believe in paying for grades, then that&rsquo;s the deal. Given the economy, I think your daughter should understand your financial limitations. That&rsquo;s not to mean you won&rsquo;t celebrate her accomplishments, just do it within your means. I think a designer handbag for a young girl sends the wrong message, and should be reserved for later. Be creative, plan something for her to show how proud you are, but not in competition with anyone else. Be honest and explain the financial issues as well as your feelings about education. Remember, these are all good lessons for your children to learn now.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do something special when your children do well in school

Don&rsquo;t you dare even think about disobeying your grandmother when she asks you to stop &ldquo;texting&rdquo; at the dinner table.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Links We Like - National Ad]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/20499309.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">20499309</guid>		
			<pubDate>Mon, 1 Jun 2009 14:32:14 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Dear Karen: My grandson, who lives with me, spends what seems like every waking hour on his cell phone. It doesn&rsquo;t matter if we&rsquo;re having dinner, or he&rsquo;s supposed to be doing homework, he text-messages to his friends at all times. The other day we went to my friend&rsquo;s house for dinner and all of a sudden he pulled out his phone and began texting someone right there at the table. 

When I looked at him in disbelief, he simply got up from the table and went into another room. I couldn&rsquo;t wait to get outside to tell him how rude he&rsquo;d been and that he would not be texting anyone at the table ever again. He ranted and told me I was just old and out of touch, that all kids do it and there&rsquo;s nothing wrong with it. Tell me &mdash; am I out of touch?

Grandmother Who&rsquo;s Trying

Dear Grandmother: Texting at the table, or when others are talking, has joined gum-chewing on my all-time pet peeve list. No, you are not out of touch, because there is no age limit or generational gap when it comes to old-fashioned manners. I don&rsquo;t know how old your grandson is, but there is never a time when he should be talking back to you in that manner. Dinner, or whenever you&rsquo;re with other people and it&rsquo;s a time for conversation, is not a time for cell phones at all. Telephone calls can wait, text messages can wait, and young people need to respect the people around them and the occasion.

Dinner time spent together is a time to talk about your day, and share with each other. When someone texts or answers a cell phone call, it&rsquo;s as if someone else is at the table, but only visible and heard by the offending cell phone user. And I wish I&rsquo;d even thought about being a guest in someone&rsquo;s home and getting up from their table to venture into another room without permission. No, you&rsquo;re on the right track. Set some ground rules for meal times, or whenever you&rsquo;d like time to speak with your grandson. No cell phones and no texting. If your grandson cannot respect your rules, and your wishes, maybe he doesn&rsquo;t need to have cell phone privileges at all.

Dear Karen: My daughter is graduating from middle school and has asked for a designer handbag that we cannot afford. I am certainly proud of her, she gets really good grades and has been accepted at a wonderful high school, but we simply don&rsquo;t have the money. In fact, we had to borrow money for her to attend a special summer program for gifted students.

She thinks because she is a good student we should reward her with whatever she wants. How do I break the news to her without dampening her efforts? She thinks the two are connected because she has friends whose parents pay them for good grades. We&rsquo;re not about to pay for grades, but would like to reward her for her accomplishments. The other problem is, she&rsquo;s the oldest and we don&rsquo;t want to set a precedent for the other children. Do you think we should borrow money for the handbag?

Mom in Doubt

Dear Mom: Whoa, let&rsquo;s first start with being middle school age and thinking you can have a designer handbag! I think there are a couple of issues here. Now is the time to reinforce the concept that none of us have any entitlement based on what goes on in someone else&rsquo;s home. Just because another family bribes their children with gifts for grades, is no reason for your children to expect the same.

Also, if you don&rsquo;t believe in paying for grades, then that&rsquo;s the deal. Given the economy, I think your daughter should understand your financial limitations. That&rsquo;s not to mean you won&rsquo;t celebrate her accomplishments, just do it within your means. I think a designer handbag for a young girl sends the wrong message, and should be reserved for later. Be creative, plan something for her to show how proud you are, but not in competition with anyone else. Be honest and explain the financial issues as well as your feelings about education. Remember, these are all good lessons for your children to learn now.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do something special when your children do well in school

Don&rsquo;t you dare even think about disobeying your grandmother when she asks you to stop &ldquo;texting&rdquo; at the dinner table.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/46495057.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">46495057</guid>		
			<pubDate>Fri, 29 May 2009 14:07:17 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Dear Karen: I recently was asked to help my cousin prepare the obituary and program for her husband&rsquo;s funeral. I assumed she had all the pertinent information which would allow me to write the obituary. My cousin is a second wife, and she had little information on his early life or his professional life before he met her. The exes are friendly, so I thought I&rsquo;d get them together to ask for relevant information. Big mistake! They couldn&rsquo;t even agree on when he served in the armed forces, and what rank he held. I&rsquo;ve done the best I can, but what can our family do going forward to avoid this kind of drama?

Family Historian

Dear Historian: This happens all too often, and I recommend that each family member complete a questionnaire long before it&rsquo;s needed. Make it a family project, not a pre-funeral assignment. Use the exercise as a way of getting to know more about each other, and along the way, learning more about what they&rsquo;d like to be remembered for. You can even include things like favorite songs that can later be used for funeral or memorial services. Let me share with you the questionnaire I&rsquo;ve given people to complete:
Full name
Nickname
Date of Birth
Place of Birth
Parent&rsquo;s full name
Siblings (specify order of birth)
Early education
Where did you grow up?
Did you play a sport or do you have hobbies?
Higher education
Military Service, including rank, where stationed and dates of service
Marriage(s)&mdash;specify children by marriage
Current Occupation
Previous occupations or careers
What made you choose your career path, did anyone or an event inspire you
Major places where you spent a great deal of time
When you moved to your current city/state of residency
Favorite quote or words you live by
How you&rsquo;d spend your &ldquo;perfect&rdquo; day
Are there obstacles you had to overcome to become the person you are today
What was your favorite meal growing up that your Mom cooked?
What&rsquo;s your favorite color
What&rsquo;s your favorite song
What&rsquo;s your favorite movie or TV show
What advice would you give a young person today
What do you want your legacy to be

Make up a form, give it to those you care about, and ask for it back. Keep them in a safe place, so you can provide information as needed to other family members if and when necessary. If you have family reunions, make up a game using the answers and ask people to guess who you&rsquo;re talking about. Anything we can do to preserve family history is important to all of us. You might even consider assembling a booklet with everyone&rsquo;s answers as a family holiday gift.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do talk to family members and try to learn more about them.

Don&rsquo;t you dare share any information given to you in confidence.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk to Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/44605342.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">44605342</guid>		
			<pubDate>Fri, 8 May 2009 11:46:36 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Mother&rsquo;s Day is a wonderful time to reflect, remember, appreciate and celebrate all the moms in our lives. Mothers come in a myriad of sizes and shapes and they range in age from teens to those who have passed the century mark. 

Most are birth mothers, but many come disguised as aunts, godmothers, stepmothers, big sisters, wise next-door neighbors, mentors or simply those who work tirelessly to improve the lives of children. Take time to acknowledge the &ldquo;mothers&rdquo; in your life while they are here to appreciate your efforts. 

Mothers know you love them, but never take them for granted. Whether you take a few minutes, or a few days to honor your mom, don&rsquo;t let the day pass without letting her know you care.

Dear Karen: Usually my brothers and I take our mom out to a fancy restaurant on Mother&rsquo;s Day but this year we just can&rsquo;t afford it. We also usually buy her a piece of jewelry as a family gift. No chance of either of those this year, we are all struggling financially. Any ideas of something we can do as a family to keep our tradition alive?
One of the Kids

Dear One Of: While your previous celebrations sound lovely, you can&rsquo;t possibly think a fancy restaurant and jewelry are what made your mom happy. What makes family celebrations special is spending time together. You can make this year the best ever, with a little effort and creativity. 

Chances are one of you has a video camera or have access to one you can borrow. Make a video for your mom with each of you telling a favorite childhood story, and one of the lessons you&rsquo;ve learned from her that has made you the person you are today. Believe me, she&rsquo;ll treasure the video and watch it over and over in the years to come. 

As for the restaurant, make your own family restaurant. Plan her favorite menu and organize a potluck. It doesn&rsquo;t have to be fancy, but it does have to be fun. Send your mom an invitation that invites her to &ldquo;Chez Kids&rdquo; at one of your homes. It doesn&rsquo;t matter if you set the table with paper plates, just take the time to make it a thoughtful afternoon. 

You can have your own brunch buffet, or a backyard barbecue. You can dress up or dress down, just make sure everyone is on the same page. If there are grandchildren or other young children in the family, they might make placemats for the special day with their drawings or photographs, including special messages to the queen for the day. 

We all know how expensive flowers are this time of year, so be creative with your table decorations. If you have family photos from the &ldquo;old days,&rdquo; use them to make centerpieces. You can even photocopy old photos of your family members and use them as place cards, or glue them to plastic glasses to entertain people as they drink. The possibilities are endless. It&rsquo;s always so easy when we have money to spare. But, you can make this low-budget day the most memorable ever for your mom and the entire family.

Dear Karen: Every year I&rsquo;m torn between spending time with my mom and my stepmom on Mother&rsquo;s Day. I&rsquo;m my mom&rsquo;s only child, but I have sisters with my stepmom and they plan a big deal. It seems someone is always disappointed and I end up miserable all day worrying about who will be upset with me. 

Even though my parents have been divorced more than 15 years, don&rsquo;t even think about suggesting we celebrate together &mdash; it&rsquo;s not going to happen! Any ideas on how to handle this?
Desperate Daughter

Dear Desperate: I don&rsquo;t know who decided there was only one day of the year when we could celebrate the Mom&rsquo;s in our lives. If it must be on one day, then get together with your sisters and plan one in the early part of the day, and one for dinner. They should be considerate of your situation. If your moms don&rsquo;t live in the same city, and you travel to spend time with one of them, then simply alternate if you feel you must divide your time equally. 

This might be the time to realize that spending time with the moms in your life is a day-to-day, yearlong activity. Designate a day each month to go to lunch, a movie, or just a walk together. It&rsquo;s not about the Hallmark day, it&rsquo;s about your showing your moms how much you appreciate them.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;
Do remember all the &ldquo;moms&rdquo; in your life
Don&rsquo;t you dare think it&rsquo;s about the amount of money you spend on mom.
Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/43191707.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">43191707</guid>		
			<pubDate>Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:06:27 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[

Dear Karen: My birthday was last week and my friends decided to celebrate. It was a significant birthday so they planned a whole weekend of activities, starting with dinner at my girlfriend&rsquo;s and ending with a weekend in Las Vegas. Usually I&rsquo;m the one who plans these group adventures, so I was thrilled that they were planning this for me. 

The problem is, I felt like I&rsquo;d entered the twilight zone. I don&rsquo;t want to be unappreciative, and I need you to tell me I&rsquo;m not overreacting. I arrived home from work on my birthday, and waited for my brother to take me to the dinner. He was late, so I called and said we&rsquo;d be late. When we got there, about 45 minutes after the assigned time, everyone had already eaten and told me they thought maybe I wasn&rsquo;t hungry because I probably had birthday lunch at the office. 

I was shocked that they hadn&rsquo;t waited for me. Couldn&rsquo;t they have had drinks and appetizers until I got there? The next day we drove to Las Vegas as a group. We left three hours after the agreed time because one person didn&rsquo;t want to get up early and the driver had a blowout fight with her boyfriend. 

I sat and waited, didn&rsquo;t say a thing. We had a drama-free, fun trip until it was time to go home. One of our friends announced she had to be home by 2 p.m. the next day to celebrate Easter with her family. It was 4 a.m. when she told us, and there was no way we could get on the road by 8 a.m. 

Everyone started getting upset and telling her she shouldn&rsquo;t have waited until the last minute to tell us since the plan was to stay in Vegas through brunch and leisurely drive home. Now everyone is upset and I&rsquo;m afraid we&rsquo;ll never take a group trip again. Please give us some guidance on this one.

Birthday Bummer

Dear Birthday: You should be appreciative, but maybe it&rsquo;s time to be realistic about your circle of friends. Start by making sure you thank each and every person who participated. It can be a simple e-mail or a handwritten note. Now that you&rsquo;ve done your part, and they know their efforts were not taken for granted, it&rsquo;s time to have a reality check.

I suspect you were hoping these buddies would plan a celebration with the same attention to detail that you would have planned theirs. That&rsquo;s the first mistake. Everyone doesn&rsquo;t know how to entertain, even if his or her hearts are in the right place. Of course they should have waited for you for your birthday dinner, but they didn&rsquo;t, so get over it. That doesn&rsquo;t mean you have to forget and rely on them to plan another dinner for you, but it&rsquo;s done, and there&rsquo;s nothing you can do about it. 

As for your friends, they need to remember that birthday celebrations are about the honoree, and what would make them happy. And your friend who &ldquo;forgot&rdquo; to mention her need to be home by a certain time, should have told everyone long before you left, and made alternate arrangements to get home if her plans didn&rsquo;t meld with everyone else&rsquo;s. If you&rsquo;re old enough to go to Las Vegas, you&rsquo;re old enough to be considerate of others. 

I would imagine the ride home was uncomfortable if everyone wasn&rsquo;t happy about leaving earlier than planned. Hopefully the Easter girl didn&rsquo;t pout the entire way home, and if she did, someone told her to stop. Everyone is a bit edgy these days between the economy, relationship issues, job situations, etc. Don&rsquo;t let friendships suffer as a result. Deal with unnecessary drama head-on, and then let it go. No yelling, no blame, just remember to treat each other with respect.

Dear Karen: I know you&rsquo;ve spoken on gum chewing before, but please remind people one more time! I sat in church, on Easter, and watched the parents of a child being christened chomp on gum throughout the ceremony. Not only were they chewing with their mouths open, but they didn&rsquo;t even stop for the picture taking. Maybe they will listen to you.

Aghast in Church

Dear Aghast: It&rsquo;s making me scratch just thinking of the idea of chewing gum during such a significant ceremony, or in church at all! There is nothing to say other than no one should be chewing gum in church, at school, in the workplace or at any significant event. In a perfect world, I&rsquo;d outlaw gum in public entirely. I don&rsquo;t buy the &ldquo;my breath is bad, I&rsquo;m nervous&rdquo; excuses, so don&rsquo;t even try it!

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do celebrate significant birthdays with friends and family

Don&rsquo;t you dare believe anyone thinks it&rsquo;s cute to chew gum incessantly.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.


]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/39533777.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">39533777</guid>		
			<pubDate>Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:06:25 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[Dear Karen: I bought tickets to the theater for my boyfriend and his family to join me for the play that&rsquo;s currently running at the Nate Holden Theater. I was expecting it to be a lovely evening out and we&rsquo;d all dress up and go to dinner before the play. I spent a lot of money on the tickets and thought it would be a nice way to celebrate my boyfriend&rsquo;s birthday. I bought a new dress and everything.

Well, when he came to pick me up, he looked like we were going grocery shopping on a Saturday morning rather than to see a stage play. He said no one in his family dressed up because it was just a neighborhood theater and it wasn&rsquo;t like they were good tickets for downtown at the Music Center. My feelings were hurt and I didn&rsquo;t know if I should change clothes to dress down or wear the outfit I&rsquo;d planned.

I wore the outfit and his mom and sister just laughed at me and asked what I thought the big deal was. They don&rsquo;t know how much the tickets cost, but it was a big deal to me. Was I just over the top and neighborhood theater is something less than downtown?
Stage Left
Dear Stage: I was fortunate enough to attend the inaugural opening of the Ebony Repertory Theatre at the Nate Holden Performing Arts Center last week. It&rsquo;s funny; I looked around and wondered why some people looked like just woke up from a nap while others were dressed up.

I think it&rsquo;s important that we understand and appreciate stage productions and theater for what they are and what they represent in our community. As a city, Los Angeles is fortunate to have an African-American theater company in the new Ebony Repertory Theatre. While they are the resident company of the Nate Holden Center, they are in no way any less accomplished, or bring anything less to the stage, than the &ldquo;downtown&rdquo; productions.

Community theater opens doors for people who otherwise would be unable to attend such performances, and opens the eyes of theatergoers who often dismiss smaller companies. Like most cultural events these days, I think people dress down, often in an inappropriate fashion. For children, this is yet another learning tool to understand and incorporate into their lives.

Opening night at a community theater, especially if you are an invited guest, should hold the same standards for attire as the &ldquo;downtown&rdquo; theaters. This doesn&rsquo;t mean black tie, it does mean dressed up. As for regular performances, I&rsquo;m not saying you can&rsquo;t wear jeans, I&rsquo;m saying make sure they are pressed and you have on a nice shirt and sweater or jacket. This is not a time or place for &ldquo;just from the gym sweats&rdquo; or shorts and flip-flops.

Dress appropriately, show the cast respect, including turning off your cell phone and refraining from talking. And most of all, support community and neighborhood theater. The prices are usually less than the &ldquo;downtown&rdquo; theaters and it&rsquo;s an opportunity to introduce children and others to the world of stage productions. You were right to dress up, you should be applauded for wanting to host your boyfriend&rsquo;s family for such a special evening, and you have nothing to apologize for.

Next time, gently mention to your boyfriend and his family that it&rsquo;s a dress up evening of celebration. In all fairness, they probably thought they did nothing wrong. It&rsquo;s important to give people the tools to feel comfortable in any situation, and that includes a mention of attire when appropriate. Here&rsquo;s hoping they enjoyed the production and will be regular theatergoers.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do invite friends and family to share the theater experience with you.

Don&rsquo;t you dare go dressed to the theater like you&rsquo;re going to the gym.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.
]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/39533657.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">39533657</guid>		
			<pubDate>Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:02:41 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[Dear Karen: I just found out my childhood friend, who I haven&rsquo;t seen since the summer after our freshman year about four years ago, has been in jail in another state for the last three years. We lost touch when we went to colleges in different states, and I am just moving back home after living away for the past five years. I ran into some old high school friends at a party who shared the news that he is serving time for robbery.

I was devastated, and I want to write to him. The problem is, I don&rsquo;t know what to say. Do I write like nothing happened and tell him all the good things going on in my life? I don&rsquo;t want him to feel badly because I am well and happy. I really want to know what happened, but I don&rsquo;t know if that&rsquo;s something I should bring up after all this time. I want him to feel better, not worse.
Friend of His
Dear Friend: I think it&rsquo;s really kind of you to want to reach out to him, when I&rsquo;m sure others have abandoned him. Once you&rsquo;re gotten his address, I think you should just write a quick brief note and let him know you just found out about his misfortune and how sorry you are. If you had any interests in common, like music or writing, books, sports, mention those activities and ask him if he is still involved.
Knowing what he&rsquo;s into, and if he shares how he spends his days, may give you some insight into future communications with him. Be prepared for him to be a different person than the one you remember. Even if he is incarcerated unjustly, three years behind bars can change a person, for good or bad.

Don&rsquo;t make promises you can&rsquo;t keep. For example, don&rsquo;t promise to write every week, or even every month. Don&rsquo;t promise to send him things you can&rsquo;t send. I think just reaching out to him will make him happy, and you should do what feels comfortable for you.

Even if you weren&rsquo;t terribly close before, you may be one of few friends who have written to him, and he may be desperate for a regular pen pal. Only commit to that if you can really follow through. If he doesn&rsquo;t answer, or acts like he doesn&rsquo;t want to have a relationship at this time, accept that for what it is. You can&rsquo;t possibly know what he&rsquo;s going through, and he may not want to communicate with people until he&rsquo;s out. Give it a shot, show your concern, but don&rsquo;t brag about all the fun you&rsquo;re having.

Dear Karen: It&rsquo;s not even Halloween and my children are already telling me what they want for Christmas. My wife and I both work for a grocery chain and our hours have been cut back considerably due to the economic crisis. I know we won&rsquo;t be able to get them all the electronic gadgets they hope for, and I don&rsquo;t know how to tell them. Do I just wait until Christmas and break the news or let them know now it will be slim pickings this year?
Santa
Dear Santa: Given the uncertain financial forecast, even those households with two steady paychecks are cutting back considerably. I don&rsquo;t know how old your children are, but if they want electronics, they are old enough to understand the economic crunch hitting most families. Let them know it will be a different kind of Christmas, and maybe you can decide as a family how you will celebrate.

Alternatives may include drawing names and people only being responsible for one gift. Maybe all gifts this year will be handmade. Or maybe you&rsquo;ll decide to all get in the kitchen and make a holiday meal and batches of cookies to give as gifts. Remember, the holidays are meant to be shared with family, not to make the gadget gurus rich!

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do reach out to friends who may be down on their luck.

Don&rsquo;t you dare let merchants guide your children&rsquo;s behavior.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.

]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/39533552.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">39533552</guid>		
			<pubDate>Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:58:24 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[Dear Karen: My wife has been bugging me for the last two weeks to make a list of resolutions for the New Year. Apparently she thinks there is something wrong with me that needs fixing. She is doing the usual &mdash; resolving to lose weight, exercise more and stop cussing. I don&rsquo;t need to do any of those things, and I&rsquo;m not going to make a list just to make her happy. What can I do to calm her down and get her to leave me alone?
Fine As I Am
Dear Fine: I think you need to stop and think about what your wife is trying to say to you. She may simply need your support as she tries to achieve her goals, or she may actually think that you could use a lifestyle change, even if it&rsquo;s not to lose weight or begin an exercise routine like everyone else. All of us, even those who are &ldquo;fine as I am&rdquo; can use this time to re-evaluate where we are in life, and what steps we need to take to make our quality of life even better.

It&rsquo;s not about making a list or starting something on a symbolic day like Jan. 1.  Resolving to make lifestyle changes can happen on Jan. 8, Jan. 20, May 8, June 1, or even your birthday or anniversary.

The point she is probably trying to make is this is a time to take a look at where you are and where you want to be. Resolutions can, and should, be positive steps toward a better life. For you that could mean being more attentive to your wife and her attempt at improving her health, getting regular physical checkups, reading more often, learning a new skill or adopting a new hobby. It may mean picking up the phone to reach out to friends and family you never have time to speak with or visit. Take a moment to dig deep and find something that you want to embrace this year, and just go for it.

Dear Karen: I live alone and have been feeling the economic crunch. A number of my friends have lost their jobs, and I&rsquo;m afraid they may start laying off people at my firm. I work in a department that usually orders food in or goes out to lunch every day. I know if I begin taking my lunch it will help both my pocketbook and my waistline, but I&rsquo;m afraid I&rsquo;ll be perceived as not being a &ldquo;team player&rdquo; and considered an outsider. I haven&rsquo;t worked here as long as everyone else and I don&rsquo;t want to be left out or perceived as a party pooper, especially when they start making decisions about layoffs. How can I be stay friends with everyone and still bring my lunch to save money?
Frugal Lunchmate
Dear Frugal: You sound like you are the only one who is feeling the economic crunch. There is a good possibility that some of your co-workers are experiencing the same anxiety and don&rsquo;t want to admit it. Pull the co-worker you are closest to aside and tell them your plan if you are afraid to approach the group as a whole. Definitely don&rsquo;t just drop out without explanation. Suggest you start a new tradition of brown bag days or potlucks and only eat out once a month, perhaps on the last Friday of every month or payday.

You shouldn&rsquo;t suffer or feel out of place just because you don&rsquo;t want to spend your hard earned money on take-out or restaurants. Just explain it&rsquo;s part of your personal &ldquo;economic stimulus&rdquo; plan and you are hoping they will still welcome you at the lunch table. Times are tough, and your health, whether physical or financial, needs to take a front seat in your life.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do resolve to make lifestyle changes as needed.

Don&rsquo;t you dare sabotage anyone&rsquo;s attempt to keep their resolutions.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.
]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk To Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/39174867.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">39174867</guid>		
			<pubDate>Thu, 5 Feb 2009 17:12:02 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[Dear Karen: As one of our New Year&rsquo;s resolutions, my husband and I have decided to cut down on going out to restaurants for meals. We belong to a small group where twice a month we try a new restaurant. We don&rsquo;t want to stop enjoying the company of our friends, but we can&rsquo;t figure out how to tell them we&rsquo;re trying to save and not seem like we&rsquo;re in financial trouble.

We&rsquo;re doing OK, but we don&rsquo;t know what this year will bring so we figured it was smart to cut back. My husband thinks we will spoil everyone&rsquo;s fun if we tell them we don&rsquo;t want to go to expensive restaurants, and we should just say we are too busy and can&rsquo;t participate. What would you do?

Dining Groupie

Dear Dining: In this day and age everyone is thinking about cutting back, and many have chosen to visit restaurants much less frequently. I hear people every day talking about taking their lunch to work and only going out to less expensive restaurants. If these are your friends, just be honest. I bet you&rsquo;ll be surprised at how relieved others may be as well.

Even folks who are well off financially are changing their habits given the economic forecast. I would suggest you host the group at your home to start the year and bring up the conversation over dinner. It doesn&rsquo;t have to be a fancy dinner, especially if your group is larger than your dining room table and everyone won&rsquo;t be sitting together.

The group should establish whether the main purpose is to try new restaurants, or to spend time with friends. If it&rsquo;s new restaurants, recommend people look for restaurants that are fun, but serve meals under $20 per person. Or, if the group is intent on the high end places, maybe they can trade off expensive and reasonable, and you say up front you will only be going to the reasonable ones.

Make it fun. Ask the group to come up with less expensive ways to get together; movie nights at someone&rsquo;s home with potluck snacks and desserts can be big fun. Bowling nights? Alternate the kinds of restaurants, like try for breakfast places for weekend adventures or a treasure hunt for the best food finds under $10 per person.

Consider rotating hosting the group at your homes, with everyone bringing news about new restaurants to share. If all else fails, grownups enjoy &ldquo;game nights&rdquo; as much as kids &mdash; plan a series of game nights and consider planning light meals that are themed to the games or a particular ethnic food. The most important consideration is to make it fun by finding creative ways to continue to enjoy the friendship of your buddies without breaking the bank.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;

Do find ways to reach out to friends who can&rsquo;t afford the same things they used to enjoy.

Don&rsquo;t you dare judge someone for how they choose to spend their money.

Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
													
																					
				
						


	

			







						
						
		
		


	

							
															
								
				
		
                                           											
									
				
											<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Talk to Me]]></title>
															<link>http://www.wavenewspapers.com/opinion/talk-to-me/38671102.html</link>
				<guid isPermaLink="false">38671102</guid>		
			<pubDate>Thu, 29 Jan 2009 17:58:10 PST</pubDate>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>																												                                                                        <description><![CDATA[Dear Karen: One of my friends, more like a sister, has spent the last three years in an emotionally abusive relationship. Every time I see them together, her boyfriend is putting her down and even hits on girls in front of her. I know it&rsquo;s not really my place to say anything, but watching her change into someone I don&rsquo;t recognize is unbearable. I&rsquo;ve discussed this issue with her family and friends, but no one wants to upset her by saying anything. She thinks this guy walks on water. How can I make her see she deserves so much more?
Brotherly Concern

Dear Brotherly: Thank goodness brothers like you still care enough to be concerned! I&rsquo;m assuming this may be a first serious relationship for your friend, and in that case, she may be blind to the obvious. In situations like this, when you really have a genuine concern for her emotional well being, I think you have to bite the bullet and risk angering her. The important thing would be to talk to her away from everyone else. The thought of everyone ganging up on her may be overwhelming and so intimidating she won&rsquo;t listen at all, and simply be hurt by the apparent intrusion. Maybe take her out to eat, but warn her you have something you want to discuss with her. Then, just be honest. Don&rsquo;t berate the boyfriend as much as championing your &ldquo;sister&rdquo; and how you&rsquo;re concerned that she&rsquo;s not happy and becoming someone you &ldquo;don&rsquo;t recognize.&rdquo;  Get your facts straight, in case she questions why you think this. Above all, let her know you&rsquo;re there for her and you only want the best for her because she deserves the best. She may not be feeling that good about herself these days. If she gets upset with you, and you&rsquo;re truly friends, it won&rsquo;t last. Deep down inside, if you talk to her calmly, she&rsquo;ll listen. Don&rsquo;t expect miracles, just put it out there.

In case you&rsquo;re wondering&hellip;
Don&rsquo;t you dare be afraid to let a friend know you have serious concerns about their life choices.
Have a question for Karen? E-mail her at talktome@wavepublication.com.]]></description>
										</item>
			
							</channel>
	</rss>

